how to support your spouse through heartbreak

If you have been married for any length of time then you’ve probably seen your spouse deal with some tough times.  Maybe it was a death in the family or a close friend. Perhaps it was a job loss that struck unexpectedly or maybe your spouse is believing God for something that is very important and it just has not happened yet.  When heartbreaking moments happen it can be very tough to go through these times with your spouse.  It can be equally tough to support and comfort a spouse during these moments. 

You may ask yourself questions such as, “What can I do?” “What does my spouse need from me right now?” or “What can I do to help?”   These questions can plague good spouses.  I mean of course we love our spouses and we hate to see them heartbroken. We’d do whatever we could to help them in moments of despair.  Well in my time of being married to my lovely wife, Pamela, God has shown me five ways to help her through tough times.  Likewise, my wife has used some of these same methods to help me through my own moments of heartbreak. So lets get into it and see if we can learn to help our spouses better during tough times.

I consider the first and most important thing to do when heartbreak has come in, is to pray for discernment on how to handle it.  We need to understand that God cares about our spouses more than we could ever care for them.  Before they were our husband or wife, they were His creation and child first. So, we should understand that God’s heart is broken for His son or daughter as well.  If we know that God is in the business of mending and healing broken hearts, then we can trust that He will reveal to us how He wants to heal them and He will reveal to you what part you will play in their healing process.  So, before you go and try to give all of your natural advice to your spouse about what they should do or how they should feel, sit and spend some time with God to see how He wants to handle the situation. 

His way is always the best way to handle it. If you go to Him, He will answer your prayers and will impart in you what He would have you to do. Once He does that, do exactly what He says, and ask Him to be with you while you complete what He has asked of You.  Most times you will find that God has a way of speaking to His children in a way that is just what is needed at that moment, to start the healing process of heartbreak.

The next thing you can do to help your spouse when their faith is wavering, is just listen to them.  I found this method to be extremely helpful.  A lot of times your spouse will tell you what they need.  Just ask them the question, “What do you need?” or “How can I help you?” Then just be quiet and listen to them.  They may just need to vent and voice their frustrations to a safe person that will not judge them. They don’t need you to try to figure them out or fix the situation. Talking through the heartache and disappointment can be therapeutic sometimes. That can be just what the “Great Physician”(God) ordered.  I know personally when my wife has an issue where her faith is being tested, she confides in me, and I don’t judge her for it. I don’t try to fix her or “it”. Those are some of the times where I have gotten positive feedback from her saying, she really appreciated that I allowed her to work through those feelings.  Having a listening ear is very valuable to a spouse dealing with heartbreak, let’s not take that skill for granted.

The third thing goes without saying.  Go to war for your spouse!  By war, I mean pray for them.  Now don’t get this confused with the first thing I said, “Pray for discernment on how to handle the situation”.  This type of prayer is different.  The first type was you praying for yourself to hear from God and how He wants you to help your spouse.  The prayer I’m speaking of now is legit covering your spouse in prayer.  This includes praying for God to heal them and to speak to them, and it includes rebuking the enemy who may be attempting to attack them.  Intercessory prayer (interceding for your wife/husband) and speaking life to them. This is so important!  Let me also take a moment to cancel the words of the enemy.  Satan will try to tell you that your prayers are not what they need, and praying for them will be insensitive and inconsiderate.  Satan wants you to keep your mouth shut concerning what is going on with your spouse.  If you stay quiet, in effort to not be insensitive or inconsiderate, what you are really doing is giving Satan permission to continue to speak death over your spouse!  Don’t allow him to do this.  Prayer is the single most important thing we can do for our spouses when times are hard.  Don’t stay silent!  Send the angels to flight for your spouse.  They will be better off for it and they will likely be very grateful for you going to war for them in prayer.

The fourth thing, I admit can be difficult, but encourage them during this time. It can be difficult because sometimes hurt can cause them not to want to hear anything encouraging at the time. Speak life to them anyway.  Remind them of God’s Word.  That God has not and will never leave them or forsake them.  Tell them who they are.  Heartbreak has a way of making people feel like they are less than, not good enough, or that God is not answering their prayers.  This is a time where as good spouses, we encourage them and bring them to the Word. This way we can remind them of who they are and whose they are.  Show them scriptures that speak to their identity.  Scriptures like, they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14) and that they are the head and not the tail (Deuteronomy 28:13). Sister, remind your husband that he is the son of God!  Brother, tell your wife she is the daughter of the most high God!  Encourage them that “All things work together for the good of those who love Him!”  An encouraging word can go a long way in the healing process of our spouses and can mend a broken heart.

The last thing that helps build a broken heart for spouses is physical touch.  We’ve all had tough times and maybe someone close to us rubbed our backs or gave us a comforting embrace. This allowed us to have a good cry and release a lot of those feelings that we hold inside.  Sometimes, we should just hold our spouses, comfort them, and let them know it is okay.  You just want to create a safe environment for them to be able to release the emotions that God wants them to let go of.  A good cry can be healing for them. Holding and comforting them during this time. Making sure they know they are not alone is not only important, but needed needed during heartbreak.  Obviously, make sure your spouse is okay being touched in this moment. If they are, be prepared to be there and comfort them for as long as this is needed.  God can use us to give our spouses the correct form and the right amount of contact to help strengthen their faith when hard times come.

Heartbreak and times where your faith will be tested are inevitable. It will happen.  The advantage married couples have is the fact that they have each other.  God uses spouses specifically to help heal His children. Just as we have vowed to spend our lives with each other, once we accepted Christ, God vowed to spend an eternity with us!  Marriage is modeled after that very covenant, so it’s understandable that God will use us to restore heartbreak and bring for healing.  As the first point stated, allow God to show you how He will use you to help your spouse and you will be able to truly help your husband/wife during difficult moments. Your marriage and relationship will be strengthen in the process as well.